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Ween - Freedom of 76

Pretty sick.  Skip to 2:00 to hear them play.

Glenald Simon's Review of The Three Stooges

After a long and serious phone call with my sister concerning my mother's nursing home finances and mental health, I dusted off my old VHS collection and found my Three Stooges tapes that I had not watched since my early thirties.  And goodness!  They were funnier than I remember!  Having some free time because I had gotten laid off for neglect, I spent the next two weeks watching all their films.  After hundreds of hours watching these grown men slap and poke each other while grunting and squeaking the whole way through was such a fantastic delight.  Towards the end of the tapes, I was laughing more in anticipation of a slap or a poke than the actual slap or poke!!!!  I especially love their food humor - a cake in the face here, a fork of beef flung across the room there, chicken legs, pies, peas and all kinds of funny foods being tossed around.  The only problem is I can't decide who is my favorite.  Larry has funny hair, but so does Moe, but then again Curly doesn't have any which is funny too (sigh). Moe
seems to be the man of the house but Curly makes those innocent yelps that make me feel free.  Larry does seem to be a pretty reasonable man though.  If only I could reach into the television set and pull out their black and white personalities to keep me company in my living room.  We would fall over, play with food, make silly sound effects with our mouths and poke each other all day long.  Good job Three Stooges, we'll miss you.

Clarington Shpoo

A video from a pilot for a sketch series created by Clarington Shpoo that never aired.  Pretty funny.

The Gary Show - watch more funny videos

Chad's New Album

Critics are raving about Chad's latest album, "I Will Follow You..."

"It's like someone is massaging your spirit with hot lube" - Indianapolis Weekly

"It's the kind of music a lion in heat would listen to" - Auto Racers Magazine

Tracks include:

1. Stomp stomp here I come

2. Wish upon a bush

3. Have you any sweetness today?

4. Sad kitchen

5. If you were larger

6. Castle made of candles

7. Lover roll over

8. Brave brave bumble-bee

9. Midnight slap

10. Powder day

11. Teach me how to cry

12. Let me see your hands

13. Odor

14. Peek-a-boo where are you?

15. Heavy cat

16. If you were a woman

17. Stop looking away

18. Creamweaver

19. Entertain me with your love

20. Put my love in a basket

21. Velvet prison

22. Dense passion

23. Moist oven

24. A day in my pants

25. ********** ****

26. The stars have holes

27. Feed me

28. Climbing the banana tree

29. Whisper in my mouth

30. Don't say no, just say stop

31. Pressure points

32. I wish you were my stalker

33. Bad bathing

AND MANY MORE!.....

In stores now



I'm a bee.

I put this post up yesterday when I was bored and had that Black Eyed Peas song "Imma be" stuck in my head.  I woke up this morning and realized what I had done and immediately went to my computer to delete this post.  However, I decided to put my ego aside leave up this horrible nonsense.

I'm a bee, I'm a bee, I'm a I'm a I'm a bee.

I'm a bee on the next level, I'm a bee rocking over that bass treble.

I'm a bee chillin with my mutha mutha crew, I'm a bee making all those deals that you want to do.

I'm a bee, brilliant with my millions loan out a billion get back a trillion.

I'm a bee, I'm a bee, I'm a I'm a I'm a bee.



Lookalikes

Most of us have a celebrity or peer that closely resembles us.  More than the average person, I have a lot of lookalikes.  I am constantly being told that I look like someone else.  Sometimes it distracts people, and attracts a lot of attention.  I guess I just have one of those faces. 

Here are the people that I get told I look like the most:

1. George Costanza.  Probably once a month someone tells me I look like him.

2. That guy from Reading Rainbow.  I frequently get asked if I am him when I go out somewhere.



3. Nacy Pelosi.  Most of my friends make the connection at one point or another.

4. Plato.  I can kind of see it.

5. A bowl of soup.  I can tell you that people have mentioned this one to me at least a few hundred times.  It's nice to get this one out of the way quickly when I first meet someone.



Blue Danger, the poem that spawned Avatar

James Cameron wrote the following poem at a diner while on vacation, which would later become the inspiration for the mega-blockbuster, Avatar.

First Date

Facts and Wisdom from physics professor, Dr. Derbis Mulky

"If you look at water closely enough you can see that it is just wet air.  That is why the word 'water' sounds a bit like 'wetair'"

"I didn't know our planet was called earth until I was 19 years old.  Up until then, no one ever told me, and I never asked.  I thought 'earth' was the name of some sort of angry god.  Sometimes you have to ask questions when you want answers."

"You can't really go backwards.  Even if you walk backwards, you are still going forward.  The only direction that really exists is forward.  All other directions are works of fiction."

"Sometimes, you have to use words to communicate.  If you are going to write those words, make sure they are spelled correctly.  If the word does not exist because you made it up, spell it however you like."

"Counting is a peculuar activity.  I know where to start but I don't know where to stop.  Sometimes you have to know when to stop.  I learned that the hard way."

"The universe is made of lots of tiny energy vibrations.  When you see a human vibrating, that does not mean they are a universe, that just means they are very cold.  I learned that the hard way too."

"Dogs are not cats and cats are not dogs.  In physics that's what we call Meeper's Law."

"If atoms were large enough, we could use them to build things.  That is also called Meeper's Law."

Party in the East Village

Every once and a while I somehow got into these parties in the Lower East Side

Dick Cheney on Dogs

I have a bloodhound named Dwarf.  He's four years old.  Every other morning I hold Dwarf down with my elbow and dangle a piece of bacon from my breakfast in front of his face, just close enough so he can smell it but he can't eat it, and then I eat it right in front of his face, and then I laugh and laugh.  No bacon for Dwarf. 

I used to have a female bloodhound but she ran away after chewing through the screen door.  The breeder kept calling the dog one of the bitches of the litter.  I said she looked more like a cunt to me.  I named her Cunt.  Sometimes when Cunt was sleeping, I used to stick my fingers in her nostriles to see how long it would take her to realize she was not breathing and wake up.  Sometimes it took five minutes.  She would get up and walk away to find a different spot to sleep, and I would laugh and laugh.

The Adventures of Tom Longnose

So I used to have this character I drew in 8th grade to avoid paying attention in class.  His name was Tom Longnose, and he always ended up doing inappropriate things with his rather long nose.  Here's an old MS Paint sketch.

Here they come, the Ding-Donkers.

The guido, the hipster, the hick, the prep - America is host to many counter cultures whom we love to hate.  They are easily spotted, and however open minded we think we are, these people consistently reinforce their stereotypes right in front of us.  Recently, America has spawned a new breed of counter culture individuals.  They are here, they are growing, and we all know some (even if they deny their label).  Yes... I am talking about the Ding-Donkers.

The Ding-Donkers, also known as "Donks" or "Dingy D's" are taking over America like wildfire.  Their culture derived from the socially outgoing prog-rock gardening/chemistry movement in the early 2000's, which originated in affluent suburbs.  With their wooden feet, goofy hats, and green boxes chained to their ankles to that say, "I'm too Donker for backpacks", the Ding-Donkers are here to stay... at least for a while.

Not sure how to spot a Ding-Donker?  Here are some clues:

- Constant waving at strangers

- Decorative elbow tassels and grapes at hand

- Fake uni-brow and carefully shaped double dotted moustache

- Silly hat and wooden feet

- Obsession with Phil Collins

- Keen interest in gardening and chemistry

Some are ready for the Ding-Donker invasion, others are not.  "They think they're so cool with their fake uni-brows and elbow tassles.  I don't like them" says a USC student.  "They're okay, I just don't understand why they're always waving at people they don't know, it's kind of strange" says a supermarket employee.  "Why don't they just carry a bag or something instead of dragging around their shit by a fucking box chained to their ankle?" says a dad.  

Whether we like it or not, maybe the best action to take is to simply embrace the Ding-Donkers.  After all, America prides its self in diversity, and who knows, give a Ding-Donker a chance... you might learn something.

Meat Man Vegetable Man

Meat Man is cool.

Vegetable Man is lame.

Stay cool, eat meat.

Brought to you by the American Meat Council.

Microsoft Clip-art Conversations.

A typical IM chat between Larry King and Jeff Goldblum

Larry King: Hey Jeff.

Jeff Goldblum: Hey Larry.

LK: What are you doing?

JG: Nothing, you?

LK: Nothing.

JG: That's cool.

LK: Yeah.

JG: Did you hear I got a new bike?

LK: No.

JG: Oh.

LK: I thought of a really funny password for my email.

JG: What is it? lol.

LK: It's... oh wait, I can't tell you because it's a secret.

JG: Oh c'mon, I promise I won't go into your email account.

LK: You promise?

JG: I promise. Just tell me!

LK: Okay, it's fingerbang

JG: LOL! No way!

LK: Yeah.  Do you know what that means?

JG: I think so.  It's kind of dirty right?

LK: Yeah.

JG: Have you seen The Animal with Rob Schneider?

LK: No I have not.

JG: Oh.  You should.  Rob Schneider acts like different animals. 

LK: Really?

JG: Yes.  There is one part where he pretends to be a dolphin and jumps in a pond.

LK: Oh my gosh.

JG: I know.

LK: Do you ever feel self bonscious when you're in the news?
LK: *conscious 

JG: Yes.

LK: Me too.

JG: My brother fell down on his driveway yesterday and he scraped his elbow but he is okay now.

LK: Oh no.  Is he okay?

JG: Yeah.  He just scraped his elbow but he's okay now.

LK: The Network told me that I'll be interviewing more women this year because last year I mostly interviewed men.

JG: Really?

LK: Yeah.

JG: That's cool.

LK: Yeah.

JG: Well, I gotta go to the post office.  See you later.

LK: ttyl.

Christopher Walken on Love - A Valentine's Day Special

Love?  Oh, you mean between a man and a woman?  Because I could tell you about love between a man and his land, a man and his office equipment, a man and his stable of horses, but between a man and a woman, I'm... not so sure.  My knowledge of such is very limited.  Often, I'll see a woman that grabs my attention, in a way that part of me wants to take her out, wine her and dine her, tell her how much I appreciate the way she moves, but another part of me wants to watch her take her shoes off, and brush her hair, don't ask me if that's normal.  You know what I love?  The smell of an old car.  Most people, the kids, they like the smell of new cars.  Not me, to me they smell too sterile, too safe.  I like that old, musky, almost rancid smell of hot plastic seats and ancient cigar smoke.  Give me an old car paired with a light helping of waffle fries and now we're talkin'.  The only thing is, waffle fries and old car smells can't love you back the way a woman can.  Love is educational.  You learn alot about yourself through it - like, you learn that you should only love one woman at a time, and that you shouldn't say "now that's the spirit!" when your woman says "I love you".  I learned that the hard way.  But that's how I learn most things, the hard way. 

Happy Valentines Day.

Rare footage from a board meeting at Goldman Sachs.

Rick Moranis Thoughts.