Horrifying 1950's Advertisements

 Horrifying 1950's Advertisements is one of my favorite things I have ever written.  Too bad it didn't make the cut for the FOD front page, cause it put me in a fit of giggles.  Check it out!

Good Samaritans

I have an idea for an animated series called Good Samaritans.  It's about a logically challenged man from another planet who is sent to Earth to facilitate the progress of society.  Click here to check out the series guide.  

Action Figure Fails

A Funny or Die post of mine about action figures that look nothing like the heroes they're modeled after.

Funny or Die Action Figure Fails

Delivery Men

Delivery Men is a short I wrote for my Short Script class.  It's about a man who must choose between his Bean Man and his Berry Man.

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=explorer&chrome=true&srcid=0B9ZD0JUpxGggZjBiYWUxODYtOGExMy00YjQ2LWFmN2YtNTM4YjM1MDQ1MzE1&hl=en

Beans

I doubt anyone on the planet will relate to this, but I think inventing names of different kinds of beans that don't exist is hilarious.  Here are some examples.

Moon Beans
Sugar Beans
Sea Beans
Monkey Beans
Sad Beans
Eagle Beans
Phone Beans
Chimney Beans
Jungle Beans
Funny Beans
Tumble Beans
Bread Beans
Christmas Beans
Car Beans
Mustard Beans
Natural Beans
Angry Beans
Patrick Beans
Music Beans
Milk Beans
Pumpkin Beans
Poor Beans
Cream Beans
Apple Beans
Fur Beans
Lunch Beans
Window Beans
Tree Beans
Pillow Beans
Street Beans
Urkle Beans
Walking Beans
Fan Beans
Babble Beans
Table-top Beans
Bush Beans
Loser Beans
Paper Beans
Wish Beans
Corn Beans
Maple Beans
Hat Beans
Grumpy Beans
Picture Beans

If you have any suggestions for other types of non-existent beans, please "callment" on the link below, it just may make my day.

Seinfeld Spec Scene

Note: I wrote this a long time ago before learning proper television formatting.

If you want to write for television, you often need a spec script - a sample of a script for an existing television series that you wrote to demonstrate your abilities to construct a coherent story and dialogue.  I chose to write a spec script for Seinfeld.  Here is a sample scene.

INT. JERRY’S APT.

[Jerry stands in his kitchen with the phone to his ear. George sits silently on the couch reading a magazine.]

Jerry: Are you trying to tell me that I ate three helpings of dog meat?  I thought it was corned beef hash!... Why didn’t you tell me?... Well of course I wouldn’t have eaten it if I knew if was dog meat!  I wish you would have told me! Aaah, forget it!

[Jerry hangs up.]

George: What was that all about?

Jerry: It was my mother, lying about meat products again.

George: The last person who lied about meat to me was that hooker in Times Square, I should have known that wasn’t a bratwurst in her pocket.  Turns out it was a penis (snort laugh).

Jerry: So how did your date go with Lisa?

George: Not so good. She said the whole “bald thing” bothers her.  I told her I could wear a wig but she insisted that if it’s not my real hair then I am SHIT OUTTA LUCK!

[Elaine enters]

Elaine: Please tell me you have toilet paper.

Jerry: Sure, I got a whole bunch of Charmin, what’s wrong?

Elaine: Ugh, you would not BELIEVE how much diarrhea I’ve had today.  Just now as I was walking here I had to stop and drop a load in a KFC, only to find that there was…

Jerry: No Charmin?

Elaine: No Charmin.

George: Don’t tell me it was the KFC on 34^th!

[Elaine looks guilty and ashamed]

Jerry: You mean to tell me you walked ten blocks completely unsanitary?... Unbelievable. 

George: What the fuck is wrong with you, why didn’t you just go into another bathroom?

[Frustrated, Elaine storms into the bathroom]

George: What got into her?

Jerry: I’m more concerned about what came out.

[Kramer bursts through the door, unlit cigar in hand]

Kramer: Jerry I got it!

Jerry: (Sarcastically) Oh boy, here we go.

Kramer: Hair Today, Here Tomorrow.

Jerry: What?

Kramer: It’s the name of my new business – get a load of this Jerry – a service where people can grow out their hair then cut it, send it to a wig company where they dye it any color you like and then get it sent back so they can have a wig of their own hair in the color they always wanted, it’s brilliant!

[Elaine walks out of the bathroom]

Kramer: Elaine, let me ask you a professional question…

Elaine: Sure.

Kramer: Does the carpet match the drapes?

Elaine: I don’t know, why don’t you tell me?

[Elaine strips down nude and strikes a pose]

Kramer: (Shocked) GIDDY UP!

Jerry: Oh for cryin’ out loud.

[George ponders then has an epiphany]

George: That’s it… I could turn my carpet into a wig and then Lisa would have no reason to object to me because it would be my real hair! 

[George stands up, excited]

George: Kramer you’re a genius!

Kramer: Well I wouldn’t argue with that (bites cigar and smiles).

END SCENE   

Senior Bob's Weekend

How was my weekend?  It was awful.  It was either too hot or too cold, the traffic was bad, and there were too many Mexicans everywhere.

On Friday my wife and I went to the movies but it was too hot when I got in the car and the traffic on the way there was terrible.  When we got there the movie theater was too cold and the movie had too many Mexicans in it, and all the scenes looked like the actors were too hot and there was a chase scene with really bad traffic. 

When we got home it the house wasn't hot enough or cold enough and I couldn't check the traffic report on the television because all the Mexican news anchors could barely speak English.  I made some soup that was too spicy which reminded me of Mexico and how terrible the traffic must be down there in that hot weather.

Saturday morning I made some coffee that was too hot then I let it sit until it got too cold.  I went outside to get the paper and all these Mexicans were driving around like dingbats and I think one of them caused a traffic jam.  I sat outside and drank my cold coffee in the blazing hot sun while reading the traffic reports in the paper.  Then I got to mowing the lawn but it was too hot out so I hired a Mexican to mow my lawn but he wasn't going fast enough so I hired two more until there was too much lawn mower traffic on my lawn and the lawn mowers started over heating.

On Sunday I got up early to avoid traffic on the way to Church but my wife kept turning on the air conditioning which was too cold and it was too loud so I couldn't hear what channel the traffic report was on on the radio.  I eventually turned the air conditioning off to hear the radio and found out that I was on the damn Mexican station, and by that time the car had gotten too hot already.

What did I learn?  Between every car on the road there is air that is either too hot or too cold that is getting breathed by Mexicans, I reckon. 

- Senior Bob

Hair Today Hair Tomorrow, an Essay by Urch Deepreach

If someone were to have come to me as a small boy and told me that I would pursue a career in the study of hair I would have not been surprised.  However, I did not pursue a career in hair science, rather it is just a fleeting hobby.  I find hair to be radically important in the construct of our society.  For instance, one can easily discern the ethnicity of another by examining their arm hair.  Red buoyancy?  You must be Scottish.  In Renaissance times, those of lower status were breed in such a manner that their hair could not grow beyond four inches, in an attempt to distinguish between the nobility and the lower class by hair length.  Nonetheless, hair of all types plays a key role in our lives.

But what is hair exactly?  According to dermatologists, hair is the product of cellular waste, thus, the more waste our cells expel, the richer and thicker our hair grows.  In fact, in extreme cases of constipation and long absence from bowel movement, waste expulsion through hair can result in chunky, sinewy deposits known as dreadlocks.

There is much controversy over the value of hair.  For instance, many men become troubled when they begin to lose hair, yet become equally as troubled when gratuitous hair appears in their food, or wedged generously within a woman's underparts.  And why is other people's hair welcomed when it comes in wig form yet rejected when it presents its self on the floor of a subway cart?  This idea is known as Sampson's paradox, and continues to be studied by leading dermatologists today. 

Some argue that dog hair carries superior value to human hair, as consumption of the hair of the dog is known to cure ailments such as hangovers.

Like many parts of our planet, hair continues to be a mystery that has yet to be solved.  At least we can still wonder about it in the meantime.

- Urch Deepreach, Professor of Mathematics at UCB

Glenald Simon's Review of The Three Stooges

After a long and serious phone call with my sister concerning my mother's nursing home finances and mental health, I dusted off my old VHS collection and found my Three Stooges tapes that I had not watched since my early thirties.  And goodness!  They were funnier than I remember!  Having some free time because I had gotten laid off for neglect, I spent the next two weeks watching all their films.  After hundreds of hours watching these grown men slap and poke each other while grunting and squeaking the whole way through was such a fantastic delight.  Towards the end of the tapes, I was laughing more in anticipation of a slap or a poke than the actual slap or poke!!!!  I especially love their food humor - a cake in the face here, a fork of beef flung across the room there, chicken legs, pies, peas and all kinds of funny foods being tossed around.  The only problem is I can't decide who is my favorite.  Larry has funny hair, but so does Moe, but then again Curly doesn't have any which is funny too (sigh). Moe
seems to be the man of the house but Curly makes those innocent yelps that make me feel free.  Larry does seem to be a pretty reasonable man though.  If only I could reach into the television set and pull out their black and white personalities to keep me company in my living room.  We would fall over, play with food, make silly sound effects with our mouths and poke each other all day long.  Good job Three Stooges, we'll miss you.

Chad's New Album

Critics are raving about Chad's latest album, "I Will Follow You..."

"It's like someone is massaging your spirit with hot lube" - Indianapolis Weekly

"It's the kind of music a lion in heat would listen to" - Auto Racers Magazine

Tracks include:

1. Stomp stomp here I come

2. Wish upon a bush

3. Have you any sweetness today?

4. Sad kitchen

5. If you were larger

6. Castle made of candles

7. Lover roll over

8. Brave brave bumble-bee

9. Midnight slap

10. Powder day

11. Teach me how to cry

12. Let me see your hands

13. Odor

14. Peek-a-boo where are you?

15. Heavy cat

16. If you were a woman

17. Stop looking away

18. Creamweaver

19. Entertain me with your love

20. Put my love in a basket

21. Velvet prison

22. Dense passion

23. Moist oven

24. A day in my pants

25. ********** ****

26. The stars have holes

27. Feed me

28. Climbing the banana tree

29. Whisper in my mouth

30. Don't say no, just say stop

31. Pressure points

32. I wish you were my stalker

33. Bad bathing

AND MANY MORE!.....

In stores now



Lookalikes

Most of us have a celebrity or peer that closely resembles us.  More than the average person, I have a lot of lookalikes.  I am constantly being told that I look like someone else.  Sometimes it distracts people, and attracts a lot of attention.  I guess I just have one of those faces. 

Here are the people that I get told I look like the most:

1. George Costanza.  Probably once a month someone tells me I look like him.

2. That guy from Reading Rainbow.  I frequently get asked if I am him when I go out somewhere.



3. Nacy Pelosi.  Most of my friends make the connection at one point or another.

4. Plato.  I can kind of see it.

5. A bowl of soup.  I can tell you that people have mentioned this one to me at least a few hundred times.  It's nice to get this one out of the way quickly when I first meet someone.



Blue Danger, the poem that spawned Avatar

James Cameron wrote the following poem at a diner while on vacation, which would later become the inspiration for the mega-blockbuster, Avatar.

Facts and Wisdom from physics professor, Dr. Derbis Mulky

"If you look at water closely enough you can see that it is just wet air.  That is why the word 'water' sounds a bit like 'wetair'"

"I didn't know our planet was called earth until I was 19 years old.  Up until then, no one ever told me, and I never asked.  I thought 'earth' was the name of some sort of angry god.  Sometimes you have to ask questions when you want answers."

"You can't really go backwards.  Even if you walk backwards, you are still going forward.  The only direction that really exists is forward.  All other directions are works of fiction."

"Sometimes, you have to use words to communicate.  If you are going to write those words, make sure they are spelled correctly.  If the word does not exist because you made it up, spell it however you like."

"Counting is a peculuar activity.  I know where to start but I don't know where to stop.  Sometimes you have to know when to stop.  I learned that the hard way."

"The universe is made of lots of tiny energy vibrations.  When you see a human vibrating, that does not mean they are a universe, that just means they are very cold.  I learned that the hard way too."

"Dogs are not cats and cats are not dogs.  In physics that's what we call Meeper's Law."

"If atoms were large enough, we could use them to build things.  That is also called Meeper's Law."

Dick Cheney on Dogs

I have a bloodhound named Dwarf.  He's four years old.  Every other morning I hold Dwarf down with my elbow and dangle a piece of bacon from my breakfast in front of his face, just close enough so he can smell it but he can't eat it, and then I eat it right in front of his face, and then I laugh and laugh.  No bacon for Dwarf. 

I used to have a female bloodhound but she ran away after chewing through the screen door.  The breeder kept calling the dog one of the bitches of the litter.  I said she looked more like a cunt to me.  I named her Cunt.  Sometimes when Cunt was sleeping, I used to stick my fingers in her nostriles to see how long it would take her to realize she was not breathing and wake up.  Sometimes it took five minutes.  She would get up and walk away to find a different spot to sleep, and I would laugh and laugh.

A typical IM chat between Larry King and Jeff Goldblum

Larry King: Hey Jeff.

Jeff Goldblum: Hey Larry.

LK: What are you doing?

JG: Nothing, you?

LK: Nothing.

JG: That's cool.

LK: Yeah.

JG: Did you hear I got a new bike?

LK: No.

JG: Oh.

LK: I thought of a really funny password for my email.

JG: What is it? lol.

LK: It's... oh wait, I can't tell you because it's a secret.

JG: Oh c'mon, I promise I won't go into your email account.

LK: You promise?

JG: I promise. Just tell me!

LK: Okay, it's fingerbang

JG: LOL! No way!

LK: Yeah.  Do you know what that means?

JG: I think so.  It's kind of dirty right?

LK: Yeah.

JG: Have you seen The Animal with Rob Schneider?

LK: No I have not.

JG: Oh.  You should.  Rob Schneider acts like different animals. 

LK: Really?

JG: Yes.  There is one part where he pretends to be a dolphin and jumps in a pond.

LK: Oh my gosh.

JG: I know.

LK: Do you ever feel self bonscious when you're in the news?
LK: *conscious 

JG: Yes.

LK: Me too.

JG: My brother fell down on his driveway yesterday and he scraped his elbow but he is okay now.

LK: Oh no.  Is he okay?

JG: Yeah.  He just scraped his elbow but he's okay now.

LK: The Network told me that I'll be interviewing more women this year because last year I mostly interviewed men.

JG: Really?

LK: Yeah.

JG: That's cool.

LK: Yeah.

JG: Well, I gotta go to the post office.  See you later.

LK: ttyl.

Christopher Walken on Love - A Valentine's Day Special

Love?  Oh, you mean between a man and a woman?  Because I could tell you about love between a man and his land, a man and his office equipment, a man and his stable of horses, but between a man and a woman, I'm... not so sure.  My knowledge of such is very limited.  Often, I'll see a woman that grabs my attention, in a way that part of me wants to take her out, wine her and dine her, tell her how much I appreciate the way she moves, but another part of me wants to watch her take her shoes off, and brush her hair, don't ask me if that's normal.  You know what I love?  The smell of an old car.  Most people, the kids, they like the smell of new cars.  Not me, to me they smell too sterile, too safe.  I like that old, musky, almost rancid smell of hot plastic seats and ancient cigar smoke.  Give me an old car paired with a light helping of waffle fries and now we're talkin'.  The only thing is, waffle fries and old car smells can't love you back the way a woman can.  Love is educational.  You learn alot about yourself through it - like, you learn that you should only love one woman at a time, and that you shouldn't say "now that's the spirit!" when your woman says "I love you".  I learned that the hard way.  But that's how I learn most things, the hard way. 

Happy Valentines Day.

The Tunter Twins Guide to Manners

The award winning Tunter Twins share their expertise on manners:

1. Do not scream at the face of an innocent person
2. When shaking hands with a new friend, close your eyes
3. Do not insult the intelligence of a child
4. If a friend is feeling sad, stroke their back with your hands (be creative with the motions)
5. If given a gift, force yourself to cry with joy
6. When a woman seems to be carrying too many groceries for her to handle, applaud her for her efforts
7. If you could not hear a comment that another person said to you, show them a large smile until they are forced to change the subject
8. Do not touch any of your erogenos zones in public, but if you must, do so with a smile
9. When you greet a woman and she takes off her coat, smell her very close, and compliment her on the soap and shampoo she uses
10. If a guest invites you into their home for a drink, remove your shoes and socks, even if you have not arrived at their home yet, it is still a polite gesture to show them that you are thinking ahead

Another 10 ridiculous names that aren't real

1. Gulp Hamcoat
2. Purtis Goke
3. Vellop Mousetaker
4. Pathrick Mampon
5. Ungle McBird
6. Steven Pinchcrease
7. Umba Sadslap
8. Nape Tape
9. Arcle Deepreach
10. Carl Funtis

DePauw newspaper article

A piece I wrote about the town bartenders for class that became the feature for The DePauw not too long ago.

http://www.thedepauw.com/features/ben-goes-left-greg-goes-right-1.1992362

Pat Pempy, best selling author of Happiness Happens, shares some tips to pick yourself up when life gets you down

"Be sure to compliment 45 people every day.  I like to keep a list of compliments in my pocket, and pull it out and pick one when I see a stranger and have the time."

"Do my prayer dance every morning before the sun comes up (instructions can be found in my book!)"

"Film yourself while working hard on something, then when you are finished, watch the film so you can see first hand how productive you can be"

"Call a friend, and tell him or her that you had a dream about them the night before, and that it was the most fantastic and magical dream you ever had, then invite them to your house for some blueberries"

"Take some time to make a list of all your favorite colors."

"Spend at least two minutes a day by yourself, and think about your favorite colors"

"Make yourself laugh at least three times a day (I find tickling my self to be the best method)"

"Think of a pet that you have always wanted, then make a list of all the possible names you could give it.  Do this once a week."

"Draw a picture of a tree and give it to a friend or co-worker"

"Make a list of all the everyday objects you can think of that you are thankful for, then say 'thank you' every time you see any of those objects throughout the day"

"Think of someting positive (I like to think of a plus sign)"