The Adventures of Tom Longnose

So I used to have this character I drew in 8th grade to avoid paying attention in class.  His name was Tom Longnose, and he always ended up doing inappropriate things with his rather long nose.  Here's an old MS Paint sketch.

Here they come, the Ding-Donkers.

The guido, the hipster, the hick, the prep - America is host to many counter cultures whom we love to hate.  They are easily spotted, and however open minded we think we are, these people consistently reinforce their stereotypes right in front of us.  Recently, America has spawned a new breed of counter culture individuals.  They are here, they are growing, and we all know some (even if they deny their label).  Yes... I am talking about the Ding-Donkers.

The Ding-Donkers, also known as "Donks" or "Dingy D's" are taking over America like wildfire.  Their culture derived from the socially outgoing prog-rock gardening/chemistry movement in the early 2000's, which originated in affluent suburbs.  With their wooden feet, goofy hats, and green boxes chained to their ankles to that say, "I'm too Donker for backpacks", the Ding-Donkers are here to stay... at least for a while.

Not sure how to spot a Ding-Donker?  Here are some clues:

- Constant waving at strangers

- Decorative elbow tassels and grapes at hand

- Fake uni-brow and carefully shaped double dotted moustache

- Silly hat and wooden feet

- Obsession with Phil Collins

- Keen interest in gardening and chemistry

Some are ready for the Ding-Donker invasion, others are not.  "They think they're so cool with their fake uni-brows and elbow tassles.  I don't like them" says a USC student.  "They're okay, I just don't understand why they're always waving at people they don't know, it's kind of strange" says a supermarket employee.  "Why don't they just carry a bag or something instead of dragging around their shit by a fucking box chained to their ankle?" says a dad.  

Whether we like it or not, maybe the best action to take is to simply embrace the Ding-Donkers.  After all, America prides its self in diversity, and who knows, give a Ding-Donker a chance... you might learn something.

Meat Man Vegetable Man

Meat Man is cool.

Vegetable Man is lame.

Stay cool, eat meat.

Brought to you by the American Meat Council.

Microsoft Clip-art Conversations.

A typical IM chat between Larry King and Jeff Goldblum

Larry King: Hey Jeff.

Jeff Goldblum: Hey Larry.

LK: What are you doing?

JG: Nothing, you?

LK: Nothing.

JG: That's cool.

LK: Yeah.

JG: Did you hear I got a new bike?

LK: No.

JG: Oh.

LK: I thought of a really funny password for my email.

JG: What is it? lol.

LK: It's... oh wait, I can't tell you because it's a secret.

JG: Oh c'mon, I promise I won't go into your email account.

LK: You promise?

JG: I promise. Just tell me!

LK: Okay, it's fingerbang

JG: LOL! No way!

LK: Yeah.  Do you know what that means?

JG: I think so.  It's kind of dirty right?

LK: Yeah.

JG: Have you seen The Animal with Rob Schneider?

LK: No I have not.

JG: Oh.  You should.  Rob Schneider acts like different animals. 

LK: Really?

JG: Yes.  There is one part where he pretends to be a dolphin and jumps in a pond.

LK: Oh my gosh.

JG: I know.

LK: Do you ever feel self bonscious when you're in the news?
LK: *conscious 

JG: Yes.

LK: Me too.

JG: My brother fell down on his driveway yesterday and he scraped his elbow but he is okay now.

LK: Oh no.  Is he okay?

JG: Yeah.  He just scraped his elbow but he's okay now.

LK: The Network told me that I'll be interviewing more women this year because last year I mostly interviewed men.

JG: Really?

LK: Yeah.

JG: That's cool.

LK: Yeah.

JG: Well, I gotta go to the post office.  See you later.

LK: ttyl.

Christopher Walken on Love - A Valentine's Day Special

Love?  Oh, you mean between a man and a woman?  Because I could tell you about love between a man and his land, a man and his office equipment, a man and his stable of horses, but between a man and a woman, I'm... not so sure.  My knowledge of such is very limited.  Often, I'll see a woman that grabs my attention, in a way that part of me wants to take her out, wine her and dine her, tell her how much I appreciate the way she moves, but another part of me wants to watch her take her shoes off, and brush her hair, don't ask me if that's normal.  You know what I love?  The smell of an old car.  Most people, the kids, they like the smell of new cars.  Not me, to me they smell too sterile, too safe.  I like that old, musky, almost rancid smell of hot plastic seats and ancient cigar smoke.  Give me an old car paired with a light helping of waffle fries and now we're talkin'.  The only thing is, waffle fries and old car smells can't love you back the way a woman can.  Love is educational.  You learn alot about yourself through it - like, you learn that you should only love one woman at a time, and that you shouldn't say "now that's the spirit!" when your woman says "I love you".  I learned that the hard way.  But that's how I learn most things, the hard way. 

Happy Valentines Day.

Rare footage from a board meeting at Goldman Sachs.

Rick Moranis Thoughts.

The Tunter Twins Guide to Manners

The award winning Tunter Twins share their expertise on manners:

1. Do not scream at the face of an innocent person
2. When shaking hands with a new friend, close your eyes
3. Do not insult the intelligence of a child
4. If a friend is feeling sad, stroke their back with your hands (be creative with the motions)
5. If given a gift, force yourself to cry with joy
6. When a woman seems to be carrying too many groceries for her to handle, applaud her for her efforts
7. If you could not hear a comment that another person said to you, show them a large smile until they are forced to change the subject
8. Do not touch any of your erogenos zones in public, but if you must, do so with a smile
9. When you greet a woman and she takes off her coat, smell her very close, and compliment her on the soap and shampoo she uses
10. If a guest invites you into their home for a drink, remove your shoes and socks, even if you have not arrived at their home yet, it is still a polite gesture to show them that you are thinking ahead

I apologize in advance for this post.

The Cage Cycle

This is a cage.

This is Nicolas Cage.

Cage went up on a stage.

Cage was enraged in a cage.

Then Cage made the front page.

So now Cage makes a nice wage.

Another 10 ridiculous names that aren't real

1. Gulp Hamcoat
2. Purtis Goke
3. Vellop Mousetaker
4. Pathrick Mampon
5. Ungle McBird
6. Steven Pinchcrease
7. Umba Sadslap
8. Nape Tape
9. Arcle Deepreach
10. Carl Funtis

DePauw newspaper article

A piece I wrote about the town bartenders for class that became the feature for The DePauw not too long ago.

http://www.thedepauw.com/features/ben-goes-left-greg-goes-right-1.1992362

Pat Pempy, best selling author of Happiness Happens, shares some tips to pick yourself up when life gets you down

"Be sure to compliment 45 people every day.  I like to keep a list of compliments in my pocket, and pull it out and pick one when I see a stranger and have the time."

"Do my prayer dance every morning before the sun comes up (instructions can be found in my book!)"

"Film yourself while working hard on something, then when you are finished, watch the film so you can see first hand how productive you can be"

"Call a friend, and tell him or her that you had a dream about them the night before, and that it was the most fantastic and magical dream you ever had, then invite them to your house for some blueberries"

"Take some time to make a list of all your favorite colors."

"Spend at least two minutes a day by yourself, and think about your favorite colors"

"Make yourself laugh at least three times a day (I find tickling my self to be the best method)"

"Think of a pet that you have always wanted, then make a list of all the possible names you could give it.  Do this once a week."

"Draw a picture of a tree and give it to a friend or co-worker"

"Make a list of all the everyday objects you can think of that you are thankful for, then say 'thank you' every time you see any of those objects throughout the day"

"Think of someting positive (I like to think of a plus sign)"

Afternoon Delight

One of my professors did this to me after I asked if I could get an extension on a paper

The Cage Matrix

Hats off to theshiznit.co.uk for creating this epic visual.

Ken's sensational new album

Critics are raving about By Request Only

"An honest load of emotional justice" - Heart Magazine

"Ken is fire" - The Weekly Hum

Tracks include:

1. Stop yelling

2. 9AM and single

3. Look under my rug

4. Don't touch my businessman

5. Sad puppets

6. Get out of the garbage can

7. Uncle

8. Blame it on the dogs

9. I've got the camera now

10. Yawn and squat

11. Pushing in the bushes

12. Don't move

13. Angry in the Shower

14. Clever moan

15. China Surprise

16. Hunger in the dark

17. Face cake

18. Only in my pocket

19. Chunky Chair

20. Finding my whistle

21. Scary horse

22. Peanut butter yum-yum

23. Backpack full of secrets

24. Guilt cream

25. Teardrop on your carpet

26. My first handshake

27. A fist full of hair

28. I'll dream about you if I want to

29. Home for Halloween

30. Puddle of happiness
31. Open up the Tinkle box
32. Let's make some plastic

and MORE!

This week's edition of "Tumdrop's Trunk"

What did Mr. Tumdrop have in the trunk of his car this week?  Give up?  This week Mr. Tumdrop had:

1. Night vision goggles

2. A prosthetic leg.

and 3. A handful of perscription pills!

 

Brought to you by Geiko.

Bird.

Chattin' with Billy.

"Do not worry about the future, for the future does not exist.  Do not worry about the past, for it lies dead.  As long as your consciousness is suspended in the infinite well of the present moment, the core of what you may call god, or the supreme force, will be recognized within you." - Billy